I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
