Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is the high leading the old right now
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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