apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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