Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize