im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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