i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
