hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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