I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
