I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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