I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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