I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
