she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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