TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My vagina is officially offended.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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