dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
