i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
