Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
please come you make the beer taste better
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
