He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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