Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
