Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Even my vagina gasped.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
