I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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