this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
