Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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