I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize