Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
