I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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