Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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