I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
