3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize