omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
