I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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