So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
