I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
