This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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