My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
