the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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