I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
