Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
