i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
where are you?
Hypothermia
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
