Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
