I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
