Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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