either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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