Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
