when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
