If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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