Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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