Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just forgot I was standing up.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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