someone threw a dead crab at me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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