I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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