I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
