Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
