Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
