What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
