I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
