Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
two words...techno handjob
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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