Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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