I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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