So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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