Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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