John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize