she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
