I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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