??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Bring me that man meat
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
